But then a representative from the college rang our bell and personally invited us to the new building's groundbreaking ceremony. It sounds great - food from the locally-renowned* catering department! Um, speeches! And, this being Seattle in October, you can enjoy it all in the rain! Two issues prevent my attendance:
- The ceremony starts at 3pm on Monday, because there's no place else a suburban house occupant might need to be at 3pm on a weekday. Why don't you just print, "Parents of school-age children not welcome" right on the invitation?
- I'm starting to make progress reading World War Z, and, well - before you break that ground, are you sure you know what might come out? Because (SPOILER ALERT) the zombie vaccine doesn't work, and never did.
Fortunately, I am doing my homework, and lots of it. I downloaded an audiobook to my iPod to see if I like experiencing books that way. The book I chose is Breathers: A Zombie's Lament, which I began listening to on my morning walk today.
It's a good thing, too. Chapter two explains that zombies live longer if they re-animate after embalming - evidently formadehyde is like a magic elixir to them. Also, formeldehyde is in lots of places you wouldn't expect it to be: lipstick, toothpaste, nail polish, and shampoo, for starters. This strikes me as odd, as zombies aren't known for being great groomers, but maybe it's explained later in the book.
I find this all incredibly useful information, so I decide to share it with my husband.
Him: "Embalming? Like an undertaker?"
Me: "Is there another kind?"
Him: "Well, you walked away before the college rep was done talking. Once she told us where the building was going, you left - you didn't hear what's going in it."
Me: "It's a health science building, what does that have to do with zombies? Are they researching a vaccine that works? Are they training zombie dental hygienists?"
Him: "No. It's only partly a health science building. It's also going to house their new undertaking department."
Him: "They're very proud of it. Apparently it's one of the few accredited undertaking courses in the state."
I can see quite clearly that this is going to be a real problem, if I want to continue living in my house, maybe if I want to keep living at all. Undead doesn't sound so good, although I'm marginally more comfortable with it knowing I can keep up my looks.
Fortunately, though, someone else has done their research, too: Specifically, Physics Professor Davide Cassi at the University of Parma in Italy (which I am sure has far nicer buildings than the tech college next door, and yes, I would take my kid out of school early to sample food from their catering department). Doctor Cassi used hi-tech physics modeling to determine the best place to hide when one is being chased by zombies. The answer?
Isn't science great?
So, basically, in the event of a zombie attack, I can go shopping, assuming I'm not at the mall aready. Important question: Do I have to pay my Visa bill? I mean, will there even be cashiers that day? Oh, well, I'll keep some cash handy. If I get bit, I'll head for the makeup department. Maybe they'll be having a gift-with-purchase that day.
I'm starting to think the zombies aren't that different from the birds: Once you get to know them, they're really not so bad.
*By locally renowned, I mean, most of the people in the immediate vicinity know it exists.